How To Prevent Roommate Conflict

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Some students hit the jackpot and meet their new best friend; others just meet another freshman. In either case, the unspoken rules of being a good roommate are the same. Following those rules can not only help to keep your dorm a great place to rest and recharge but can also prevent roommate conflict before it has a chance to spoil your semester.

By Ceanna Hayes Daniels

Tags: college-student, social-life, student-housing

Very few freshmen select their first-year roommate or roommates. More often than not, schools issue a general quiz to all incoming students and pair two to three students in a dorm room (ostensibly, based on the quiz results). Some students hit the jackpot and meet their new best friend; others just meet another freshman. In either case, however, the unspoken rules of being a good roommate are the same. Following those rules can not only help to keep your dorm a great place to rest and recharge but can also prevent roommate conflict before it has a chance to spoil your semester.

Pursue Friendliness, Not Necessarily Friendship

Taking intentional steps to foster an amicable relationship with your roommate is crucial. However, your college roommate does not need to be your best friend. In fact, you don't even need to be close friends to have a positive, healthy relationship with your roommate!

As counterintuitive as it sounds, you may experience increased tension and difficulty with your roommate if you try to force a friendship. After all, attempting to create a picture-perfect friendship will place stressful expectations on you. In extreme cases, one roommate may feel coerced by the other into a one-sided friendship they never wanted. High expectations exacerbate tensions, making differences seem more daunting and conflict harder to resolve. Overall, they're more likely to harm than good. Allow friendship to develop naturally if it happens to, but never try to force closeness with your roommate.

Rather than expecting a life-changing friendship from your freshman year roommate, seek an overall peaceful environment. As long as you and your roommate prioritize a healthy working relationship, you will likely have a positive experience living together! The best way to do this is to practice kindness, respect shared spaces, and communicate intentionally.

Practice Kindness

Assuming the best of your roommate's intentions is the kind thing to do. They probably didn't realize their headphones disconnected and that you could hear their music. Similarly, they probably didn't mean to track dirt onto your rug or plug up the sink in the bathroom. Rather than taking accidental behavior personally and harboring resentment against your roommate, communicate with them openly and respectfully about how their actions affected you, then work together on a solution. When you approach potential points of tension with kindness, you can often eliminate conflict before it has a chance to become toxic. Being kind rather than antagonistic will allow you to reflect on how you handled conflict with pride and gratitude towards your past self rather than regret.

Respect Shared Spaces and Common Areas

Respecting common areas is an easy, effective way to prevent conflict before it arises. Simple actions-putting your dishes into the dishwasher rather than leaving them on the counter, for example-have dramatic impacts on dorm room cleanliness and the goodwill of your roommate. Treat the spaces you share with your roommate the same way you want them to treat it. (The same principle applies to multiple roommates, as well as to suitemates and housemates.) If you want a quiet living room to study in, use headphones to listen to your music or online lectures. If you hate having shoes left haphazardly in the doorway, tuck yours out of the way or store them in your closet.

Putting in the work necessary to maintain a clean, welcoming environment will help to prevent conflicts with your roommate. After all, there won't be arguments about a dirty kitchen if you both complete your half of the cleaning. Similarly, respecting the spaces you share with your roommate helps to foster a positive relationship by showing your respect for them.

Communicate Intentionally

Above all else, communicating intentionally is the best way to prevent conflict with your roommate. Taking time at the start of the semester to talk through your respective expectations for quiet hours, frequency of company and levels of tidiness can prevent far more headaches than you may realize. Even something as seemingly inconsequential as who will use the bathroom first can keep you from wasting time on an argument during an already hectic morning.

When conversing about your expectations, it's crucial to distinguish between what you'd like to do and what you expect. Honest self-reflection will be far better for your relationship with your roommate than blind optimism. Self-reflection gives you a more accurate picture of what the semester can become. For example, if you're not tidy, don't promise your roommate that your side of the dorm room can always be perfectly spotless. Instead, communicate a desire to be tidier in college than in high school. Consider collaborating on a schedule for regular tidying so that your roommate doesn't have to pressure you into cleaning and you don't have to feel guilty whenever there's clutter on your desk. Realistic self-assessment and honest communication give you an attainable goal and a supportive roommate, making your semester easier and your dorm more peaceful.

Avoid Unspoken Expectations

In contrast to intentional communication’s overwhelmingly positive effects, unspoken expectations are a surefire method for frustration, disappointment, and resentment. Remember, your roommate can't read your mind, and it wouldn't be fair for you to expect that. If you're frustrated or upset by something they're doing, keeping quiet about it won't help. Instead, take time to reflect on the behavior, then calmly approach your roommate to talk through potential solutions. For example, after discussing your frustration trying to sleep through their long phone conversations with family, your roommate might apologize for causing you stress. You may both agree they take calls in the lobby or try calling home earlier in the day before you return to the dorm. Alternatively, you might decide to invest in earplugs to accommodate their needs. Either solution could work — however, the problem would never have been solved if you expected your roommate to intuit your needs for the situation.

Communication goes both ways, however. If your roommate constantly expects you to read their minds to keep them happy, and treats you poorly if you don't comply, then that is entirely unfair. While the short-term conflicts created by unspoken expectations are obvious, it can be harder to recognize that your mental health is suffering because your roommate's "unspoken expectations" indicate a decision to displace responsibility for their emotions onto you. Remember, you are not responsible for your roommate's emotions; you are only responsible for your own.

If you find yourself in this situation, know it is not your fault. No matter how kind or intentional you are, you cannot be a good roommate to someone determined to do you harm. Consider talking with an RA about the situation or going to your dorm's house director or the Deans to talk about getting a different roommate. Remember, you deserve better than to remain in a toxic, manipulative situation, and prioritizing your mental health is crucial, not selfish.

When there's so much for freshmen to learn to juggle — making friends, keeping up with paper and exam deadlines, and balancing extracurricular activities on top of classes and on-campus jobs, to name just a few — the stress of developing a bad relationship with a roommate can seem overwhelming. Luckily, however, these tips for preventing roommate conflict can help to eliminate points of tension before they arise, keeping your days and your dorm drama-free.

Ceanna Hayes Daniels

Ceanna Hayes Daniels is freelance writer and editor. In 2022, she graduated Hillsdale College summa cum laude with a degree in politics. In her free time, she continues to enjoy studying philosophy, political theory, and literature. She and her husband live in Michigan, where the two enjoy perusing bookstores together for new books and old records.

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