Navigating Conflict and Improving Communication with Your Child in College
When parents practice CARE, they recognize their role in an amazing collaboration. As a parent who intentionally demonstrates concern, attentiveness, respect, and empathy for your college student, you create a healthy emotional climate conducive to their success and positive well-being.
By Sharon Callender — December 5, 2022
As a parent, your priority is always your child's well-being and safety. Everything you've done since their birth has aimed to protect them from any potential threat on the horizon. From car seats to curfews, there are no limits to the lovingly strategic measures taken by parents. All of it is done to keep your child on a path for their greatest good. During the college selection process, that same dedication and devotion to your child's best interest are at work from start to finish.
Selecting a college and making those tough decisions about which school to attend, what major they should choose, and if they should attend a local college as a commuter or reside on campus at an out-of-state school can sometimes be a bit of a power struggle. In most cases, parents are the billpayers and have an undeniable influence over their child's final decision. Occasionally children and their parents may disagree on which college they should attend.
These differing opinions regarding college-related matters can be upsetting for both parties. Even though your parental opinion may be accurate and entirely reasonable, your future college student may resist the route you suggested. For instance, as a parent, you may wisely lean toward a more budget-friendly college where you are a commuter student because of practical reasons like financial constraints. Still, their dream was to live on campus, or maybe they decided the large university they fell in love with was not feasible financially. A smaller school with a better financial aid package which includes generous scholarships, is the better option. These complex decisions may cause frustration for your child, but it can also create an unexpected opportunity to nurture a deeper level of communication and understanding.
How can something that feels like a roadblock because of unbudging opinions become a roadway to greater connection? How do you attempt to mend this kind of rift as your child prepares for their first year of college? It starts with parents proactively articulating the motivating fact or behind their decisions, which is profound care.
The dictionary definition of care uses words such as health, welfare, and protection of someone or something, providing what is needed to avoid damage or risk. These words accurately describe the good intentions of parents. A parent's ultimate goal is always to guide their child toward optimal success in every area of their lives. Bridging the gap between what your college student may perceive as unfair or restrictive and your desire to do what you deem beneficial is opening the door to conversations and behavior that exhibit your depth of loving care.
Actively engaging in the simple practice of CARE (Concern, Attentiveness, Respect, Empathy) can serve as a pathway for meaningful, bond-building interacti ons that positively influence relationships.
Concern
When someone is concerned, it usually implies that you are worried about something. But in the context of CARE, it means something a bit deeper. Concern is a way of reflecting your love for your child. It is how you demonstrate that they are a priority in your life and their presence is precious and sacred to you. Your expression of concern reminds them on a subconscious level that your love and support are unshakeable whether they fail or thrive in college.
A tangible way of showing concern starts with intentionally finding time to communicate. A fun way to accomplish this is scheduling a weekly call where parents and children check in with each other. If your college student is away from home, schedule a virtual dinner, lunch, or snack break date where you and your child chat and eat together. During this time, ask each other two or more questions: What made you laugh this week? What stressed you out this week? What is something you did this week that you're proud of? What's the most exciting thing that happened to you this week? What's one thing that frustrated you this week? How did you surprise yourself in a good way this week?
Listen deeply to your child's answers without judgment, let them share what's on their mind without interruption, and then respond. See the threads in their words leading you to understand their hopes, worries, joys, and struggles at this moment. Also, let them know this is a time for honest sharing, support, and encouragement. You keep the integrity of that promise by sharing your own honest and thoughtful answers to the questions.
Attentiveness
Paying close attention to what your college student is doing and experiencing being away from home requires a careful balance. It can be challenging to manage being involved in their lives and honoring their autonomy and privacy without crossing the line of being intrusive. It is a delicate dance of giving them space and staying connected. The other conundrum is the hectic schedule and pace of daily life that makes it difficult for working parents to stay fully engaged in the minutiae of your college student's life.
To clear these obstacles and create room for attentiveness, focus on quality time rather than quantity. Having a phone conversation twice a week or more, for five to ten minutes, to keep in touch can be an incredible asset in your CARE toolbox. When you call, delve deeper instead of asking the typical question of how your day was. Ask what the best part of your day was? Do you feel like sharing what the worst part was? These simple questions can help you to be attentive without being intrusive. It is a way of gently gleaning information and bonding with them.
Being attentive is not just being aware of what is happening in your child's life. It's directly linked to being mindful of what matters to them at a core level, especially in their new role as college students. These check-in calls can help you do that.
Pay attention to the cues they give you in your conversations. It will assist you with uncovering any underlying concerns and issues where they may need support.
Respect
When your college student feels respected, it directly impacts how they communicate with you. Your respect inherently conveys that you see them as responsible, wise, trustworthy, capable of making sound choices and most importantly, deeply loved. One of the benefits of articulating respect through valuing their opinions, actively listening, and diligently striving to help them feel seen and appreciated is the positive bridge of trust. If they don't perceive respect or validation from you, they are less likely to volunteer information about what is happening in their new world academically or socially. Building this bridge of respect and trust is key to maintaining strong communication during the college years.
It is also vitally important because of FERPA, the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act. Once your child is a college student, this Federal law grants them complete ownership of their education records. When they were in high school, their parent(s) or guardian could access this information without their express consent. Now that they enrolled in college, only someone the student designates through a FERPA proxy can access their information. Some items that fall under this category include grades, GPA, academic standing, classes they are taking, and information about their major and/or minor progress. I have spoken to countless parents over the years who say they want to discuss their child's progress on their behalf, but they are not listed on the FERPA proxy. When these scenarios happen, it can be very upsetting for the staff member and the parent who wants to know more about their child's progress but have no power to do so.
Most students select their parents as their main point of contact on their FERPA proxy, but some don't. Over the years, two main reasons I've heard for not selecting parents are directly related to fear and causing disappointment. This mindset leads students to add no one to the proxy or another family member, such as a sibling, aunt, or uncle.
Creating an open and understanding dialogue with your child can help alleviate a feeling of reluctance or dread about adding you to their FERPA proxy.
One of the ways to nurture that sense of respect which increases trust, is through simple affirmations like these or something similar: I am proud of who you are and what you are doing. I trust the decisions you are making. I support you. I believe in you and am always here if you need help. You handled yourself so well. Please don't underestimate the power of your words to uplift, inspire and help boost their self-esteem. These verbal acknowledgments provide a catalyst for growth and confidence. Respecting their accomplishments and who they are becoming is a powerful gift you can give your child as a new college student navigating unfamiliar territory. This will make it easy for them to view you as a trusted ally and advocate in their circle.
Empathy
Empathizing with your college student shifts your perspective from a parent to someone who sees them from a bird's eye view. Empathy opens you up to identify with your emerging adult self, and the struggles, joys, and complications all of it can trigger. College is a time when they are grappling with complex situations beyond the classroom and inside of them as well. It can be an exciting and overwhelming season with so many layers for them to unpack and discern cognitively, emotionally, and socially. As a parent, being mindful of all of these factors helps you lead with empathy when communicating with them.
Empathy gives you room to see them as another human being, exploring and discovering their world with an objective lens. It also allows you to release the subjectivity of being a parent by remembering yourself and your adulting process at that age. Take time to recall how you handled the roadblocks, pitfalls, and victories you encountered along the way and how those factors strengthened your development as an adult. Tuning into empathy helps you to see your child more clearly, beyond the lens of your parent-child relationship. Be curious about who your child is as a burgeoning adult, and acknowledge their growth with your encouragement and genuine interest.
When parents practice CARE, they recognize their role in an amazing collaboration. As a parent who intentionally demonstrates concern, attentiveness, respect, and empathy for your college student, you create a healthy emotional climate conducive to their success and positive well-being. In the process, you become a dependable ally and one of their greatest encouragers. Honoring your child's independence during their college journey is a wonderful gift you can bestow on them. Being committed to providing your child with roots and wings that nurture their confidence, courage, and awareness of their identity as a developing adult can be the springboard that helps them flourish in every area of their lives.
Sharon Callender
Rev. Sharon Callender is an interfaith minister, assistant registrar, and coach with certifications in life purpose, mindfulness & spiritual coaching. She specializes in helping individuals discover clarity, healing, and self-love through creative expression. Sharon is also a published fiction author and poet who is currently pursuing her Doctor of Ministry (DMin) degree at The New Seminary.
Maximizing Mentorship
April 30, 2024
The Rise of College eSports
April 29, 2024
